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What Should Dougie Hawkins Do Next?

November 4th, 2010 by jake · 29 Comments

All right. You know how this works. But this time? Please keep it hilarious.

We all know Dougie Hawkins, proud protector of ignorance and Our White Women, has been put out on the curb by voters in the 25th Metro Council District.

So what should he do next? Move to a border state to protect everybody from the Messicans?

Maybe open a spray tan shop?

What?

Let’s help him select a new career path with some terrific suggestions.

Tags: Doug Hawkins · Metro Council

29 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Michelle // Nov 4, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    Whatever happens I hope the “me llamo Dougie” graphic doesn’t go away just as I hope Mayor McCheese in Aretha’s hat lives forever.

  • 2 Mark H (Not Hebert) // Nov 4, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    Wage a one-man war against crime the streets.

  • 3 JoBS // Nov 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    boarder patrol?

  • 4 bill // Nov 4, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    Mark would he be like a fat Batman? Maybe a Transgendered Wonder Woman, gimmick.

  • 5 Mark H (Not Hebert) // Nov 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    I’m thinking “The Slick” using his super-powered hair pomade and diminutive size to slide into places no mere mortal can enter.

  • 6 Annonymous // Nov 4, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Seriously, he’ll run against Perry Clark.

  • 7 Laurie // Nov 4, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    “boarder patrol”

    This makes me picture someone forming a perimeter around a bed and breakfast to protect the boarders there.

  • 8 GtownReader // Nov 4, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    Hey, as irascible as he may be to many, his district e-newsletter has frequently been quite informative or very interesting (when not self-serving). I would never have known of a number of area events & concerns were it not for his missives, or at least not on a timely basis.
    Soooo, he should write an (objective) online community-wide newsletter highlighting crime, events, cautions, festivals, jobs, etc.

  • 9 jake // Nov 4, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    Finally! Something serious.

    Newsletter’s a good place to start.

  • 10 GtownReader // Nov 4, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    Sorry, I forgot the “funny” requirement. Maybe he should be responsible for drawing the chalk outlines around deceased people & dead legislation.

  • 11 Big Daddy // Nov 4, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Run for Grand Dragon of the KKK, but seriously he should open a Qdoba franchise

  • 12 Dino // Nov 4, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    The Jake Payne-Doug Hawkins point-counterpoint political radio hour – think of the entertainment possibilities!

  • 13 gil // Nov 4, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    He can get his own fox show

  • 14 Mark H (Not Hebert) // Nov 4, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Oh God, can you imagine? A right-wing version of Ed Shultz

  • 15 Bill // Nov 5, 2010 at 1:09 am

    Dougie should be a rodeo clown.

  • 16 BT // Nov 5, 2010 at 1:42 am

    One can make a handsome sum in the bullfighting industry these days. Or maybe he could open a car wash.

    If Doug lived anywhere else in this state, it is my firm belief he would have never been beaten. Ever.

    I think he will move to Somalia and get into sensitivity training.

  • 17 Big Daddy // Nov 5, 2010 at 4:24 am

    Add a blond wig and he immediately becomes Madonna Flood with that phone stuck in his ear.

  • 18 jake // Nov 5, 2010 at 7:13 am

    Dougie doesn’t have a convict husband, so how could he be Madonna Flood?

  • 19 flipper273 // Nov 5, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Jake, that is ex convict husband. And Dougie would not look good in your heels.

  • 20 jake // Nov 5, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Flipper 1, Jake 0.5

    (I don’t think Pumas come in heels…)

  • 21 R L Citizen // Nov 5, 2010 at 8:24 am

    How about fashion consultant for America’s got talent?
    Bridge painter co-ordinator?
    head pastor of the “Me llamo Dougie” church for middle eastern refugees?

  • 22 Chris // Nov 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

    We totally need him to guest blog here occasionally.

  • 23 jake // Nov 5, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Chris: I’d have to invest in a lot of “!!1!” for Dougie to write here. Not sure I can afford that.

  • 24 Steve Magruder // Nov 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Seriously, unless Hawkins moves back to the east end, he will probably take the next two years to put together a rematch against Perry Clark. And you know what Hawkins can do with a lot of time on his hands! (that’s the funny part)

  • 25 The Hipster // Nov 5, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Moves to District 24 and runs against Madonna Flood.

  • 26 The Hipster // Nov 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

    If that doesn’t work out he replaces Mandy on WHAS 840

  • 27 Mark Stanton // Nov 5, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Begin a campaign for Congress in 2012.

  • 28 R L Citizen // Nov 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    I concur with the replace mandy on 84. She is horrid!

  • 29 Marko // Nov 5, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Dougie can make sure the South End doesn’t blow up by hiring on to guard the firecrackers LMPD will be storing overnight in that new bunker out there.

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